It’s the HOLIDAYS! (Or, It’s time to start making a list…
Of People who are going to be first up against the wall when the revolution comes!
It all started when I got off work the other night. I had to stop by the local Wal-Mart to get a few items (mainly Soda and some Laundry detergent), so I hop on in, and meander my way through the crowds of Christmas shoppers who are clogging up the isles looking for that special gift for Aunt Mabel that just screams, “I have NO taste!”
Well, after moving my way through the clueless masses and getting the above said items, and a DVD that I rewarded myself with, because I am so damn good, I make my way to the checkout counter in Electronics, as that is where I last was after picking out the DVD.
Now I may be wrong here, but I was under the impression that I would be able to check out back there, as there were two Wal-Mart employee’s standing behind the counter with the cash registers. Alas, this was not to be. Because as I approached the counter, I overheard one of the Walmart drones say to a customer, “I’m sorry, I’m a dork, and just like to stand around and look stupid and get paid for it.”
OK, OK, that’s not what he said, but that’s what my mind translated it into. What he actually said was, “I’m sorry ma’am, We can’t check you out as we don’t work in electronics, and this isn’t our register, we’re just covering for the person who works here while he’s on break.”
Insert dumbfounded look here.
Well, the lady that they had said it to, looked at me, as I was standing right behind her with my stuff in my hands, and we both shared the above look for a couple of seconds. We then wandered out of the electronics area in a daze, our minds still recovering from being so close to the event horizon of a black hole of stupidity.
After a minute or so, my mind had successfully rebooted from the above close encounter, and I found myself heading to the front of the store and the checkout lanes where the Wal-Martians herd the rest of us lemmings to pay for our goods. Hoping to be out as quickly as possible, I scout around, looking for the Express lanes, which I quickly found. But alas, it was now 9:25pm, and they closed them down at 9pm.
At this point, the survivalist in me took over, and I started scanning the lines for the holy grail of Walmart. The line with the smallest density of people in it, with the least amount of items in their shopping carts. After a few minutes of searching the 23 open lanes, I found what looked to be the line I was looking for. Only two people where in the line, one with maybe 15 clothing items, and the second with maybe 15 assorted items like soda, chips, little debbies, Toilet paper, and Diapers. (Interesting what you can figure out of people by studying their shopping carts. And yes, since I didn’t have a cart or really anything of importance, my goods screamed that I had yet to find a life.) I was thinking I would be able to be out of the madhouse known as Wal-mart soon.
After about a minute in the line, and having other members of the teeming millions take their place in line behind me, did I realize the the horror that I was about to become a part of. Yes folks, I had entered into the dreaded….
SLOW CHECKOUT LINE OF
DOOM!!!!!
The realization dawned on me as I had turned to look at the cashier, and saw the following transpire.
Note, Actual times are noted next to the action:
1. Cashier picks up item – 2 seconds
2. Casgier looks at item – 5 seconds
3. Cashier looks at customer – 3-4 seconds
4. Cashier looks at item, looking for UPC code. 5-30 seconds (variable)
5. Cashier scans item – 3 seconds (sometimes this step was repeated up to a maximum of 14 times until the cashier was successful.)
6. Cashier looks at customer. Again. 3-4 seconds
7. Cashier looks at register. 3 seconds
8. Cashier looks at customer. AGAIN! 3-4 seconds.
9. Cashier looks at item again. 3-4 seconds.
10. Cashier puts item in Wal-mart bag. 3-4 seconds.
11. Cashier looks at customer. AARRGGGHH! 3-4 seconds.
12. Cashier looks at register again. 2 seconds
13. Cashier looks at pile on checkout belt, puzzling over which item to pick up next. 5-10 seconds.
Wash, rinse and repeat for EACH item on the checkout belt.
I could feel the bones in my body starting to calcify, my eyes starting to develop cataracts, my arteries hardening in my body, and cobwebs starting to form on me as I waited the eternity in line. I actually saw one person a couple of lanes over who had TWO shopping carts FILLED to the RIM go through her lane, pay for her stuff, and leave in the time it took this person to ring up just the FIRST LADY’S 15 %$#@& items of clothing!!!
I seriously thought about moving to another lane, but I knew that the 6th law of thermodynamics would catch up to me. What law is that? That is the law that states that any line you move to in a grocery store, will instantly, upon your arrival in that line, cause it to move even more slowly than the line you just left. So I suffered and stayed in my line.
After finally making it out of Wal-mart, I found myself famished and in great need of food, as it was now 10:30pm, and the hour in the checkout line consumed the last bit of energy in my body from the sausage McMuffins that I had 12 hours earlier.
‘Lo did I know, that my visit in the Twilight zone was still not over.
I had decided that since it had been some time, I would visit the Local Gringo Ding-dong (Taco Bell for those who do not know) for some of that 100% real authentic artificial mexican food, made with 100% real synthetic beef and spices!!
Now I must state, that I have a recurring problem, of which I have written before, when it comes to ‘making a run for the border’. Invariably, every time I order Beef burritos, I end up with Bean burritos. This happens regardless of locale, time or planetary alignments, and has me convinced that there is a picture of me by every drive thru register at every Taco Bell in the Nation, with the words written on it “THOU SHALT NOT RECIVE BEEF BURRITOS – God.”
But I digress.
Once again, I place my order for two BEEF burritoes, and a Grilled stuffed Beef burrito. They repeat the order back to me correctly, and i’m suddenly impressed, they got it right for the first time! Well, I drive up to the window, and pay my money, and the Taco Bell drone asks what type of hot sauce I want, and I tell him, and he hands me the little plastic bag with my dinner. Well, As I recieved the bag, the weight felt correct for three burrito type items, so I smiled and went on my merry way!
Sadly, I realized when I got home, that I had once again been had by Taco Bell. What was really inside the bag, was two burrito shaped objects, and probably half of the store’s supply of ‘fire’ hot sauce. Looking at the objects as they were wrapped, one identified itself as the Grilled stuffed burrito, and the other identified itself as ‘special’. At this point I remove the reciept from the bag and notice that I had paid for the following:
1 BGS-BF
2 BEAN
– BN
+ BF
+ BF
Now, I assume the first item was the grilled stuffed burrito, but finally, I understood the underlying stupidity of why I ALWAYS got BEAN burritos instead of beef. And yes, I Still have this reciept and will show it to any who wish, as proof, that there needs to be some serious bleach and chlorine added to the the gene pool. And if Taco Bell is going to use the tagline, “Learn to think outside the bun!”, they really need to teach their employees to think outside their buns. I.e. Get their heads out of their rears. I consoled myself, that hey, I still got ONE beef burrito, and the Grilled stuffed one, so it could’ve been worse. Right? Yup, you guessed it. The burrito wrapped as ‘Special’?? WAS A DAMMED BEAN FRIGGIN BURRITO! AAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!