OK, if this doesn’t make you laugh until you cry, then I pity you.

Hmm, this answers SO much about the man in black!

Of People who are going to be first up against the wall when the revolution comes!

It all started when I got off work the other night. I had to stop by the local Wal-Mart to get a few items (mainly Soda and some Laundry detergent), so I hop on in, and meander my way through the crowds of Christmas shoppers who are clogging up the isles looking for that special gift for Aunt Mabel that just screams, “I have NO taste!”

Well, after moving my way through the clueless masses and getting the above said items, and a DVD that I rewarded myself with, because I am so damn good, I make my way to the checkout counter in Electronics, as that is where I last was after picking out the DVD.

Now I may be wrong here, but I was under the impression that I would be able to check out back there, as there were two Wal-Mart employee’s standing behind the counter with the cash registers. Alas, this was not to be. Because as I approached the counter, I overheard one of the Walmart drones say to a customer, “I’m sorry, I’m a dork, and just like to stand around and look stupid and get paid for it.”

OK, OK, that’s not what he said, but that’s what my mind translated it into. What he actually said was, “I’m sorry ma’am, We can’t check you out as we don’t work in electronics, and this isn’t our register, we’re just covering for the person who works here while he’s on break.”

Insert dumbfounded look here.

Well, the lady that they had said it to, looked at me, as I was standing right behind her with my stuff in my hands, and we both shared the above look for a couple of seconds.  We then wandered out of the electronics area in a daze, our minds still recovering from being so close to the event horizon of a black hole of stupidity.

After a minute or so, my mind had successfully rebooted from the above close encounter, and I found myself heading to the front of the store and the checkout lanes where the Wal-Martians herd the rest of us lemmings to pay for our goods. Hoping to be out as quickly as possible, I scout around, looking for the Express lanes, which I quickly found. But alas, it was now 9:25pm, and they closed them down at 9pm.

At this point, the survivalist in me took over, and I started scanning the lines for the holy grail of Walmart. The line with the smallest density of people in it, with the least amount of items in their shopping carts. After a few minutes of searching the 23 open lanes, I found what looked to be the line I was looking for. Only two people where in the line, one with maybe 15 clothing items, and the second with maybe 15 assorted items like soda, chips, little debbies, Toilet paper, and Diapers. (Interesting what you can figure out of people by studying their shopping carts. And yes, since I didn’t have a cart or really anything of importance, my goods screamed that I had yet to find a life.) I was thinking I would be able to be out of the madhouse known as Wal-mart soon.

After about a minute in the line, and having other members of the teeming millions take their place in line behind me, did I realize the the horror that I was about to become a part of. Yes folks, I had entered into the dreaded….

SLOW CHECKOUT LINE OF

DOOM!!!!!

The realization dawned on me as I had turned to look at the cashier, and saw the following transpire.
Note, Actual times are noted next to the action:
1. Cashier picks up item – 2 seconds
2. Casgier looks at item – 5 seconds
3. Cashier looks at customer – 3-4 seconds
4. Cashier looks at item, looking for UPC code. 5-30 seconds (variable)
5. Cashier scans item – 3 seconds (sometimes this step was repeated up to a maximum of 14 times until the cashier was successful.)
6. Cashier looks at customer. Again. 3-4 seconds
7. Cashier looks at register. 3 seconds
8. Cashier looks at customer. AGAIN! 3-4 seconds.
9. Cashier looks at item again. 3-4 seconds.
10. Cashier puts item in Wal-mart bag. 3-4 seconds.
11. Cashier looks at customer. AARRGGGHH! 3-4 seconds.
12. Cashier looks at register again. 2 seconds
13. Cashier looks at pile on checkout belt, puzzling over which item to pick up next. 5-10 seconds.

Wash, rinse and repeat for EACH item on the checkout belt.

I could feel the bones in my body starting to calcify, my eyes starting to develop cataracts, my arteries hardening in my body, and cobwebs starting to form on me as I waited the eternity in line. I actually saw one person a couple of lanes over who had TWO shopping carts FILLED to the RIM go through her lane, pay for her stuff, and leave in the time it took this person to ring up just the FIRST LADY’S 15 %$#@& items of clothing!!!

I seriously thought about moving to another lane, but I knew that the 6th law of thermodynamics would catch up to me. What law is that?  That is the law that states that any line you move to in a grocery store, will instantly, upon your arrival in that line, cause it to move even more slowly than the line you just left.  So I suffered and stayed in my line.

After finally making it out of Wal-mart, I found myself famished and in great need of food, as it was now 10:30pm, and the hour in the checkout line consumed the last bit of energy in my body from the sausage McMuffins that I had 12 hours earlier.

‘Lo did I know, that my visit in the Twilight zone was still not over.

I had decided that since it had been some time, I would visit the Local Gringo Ding-dong (Taco Bell for those who do not know) for some of that 100% real authentic artificial mexican food, made with 100% real synthetic beef and spices!!

Now I must state, that I have a recurring problem, of which I have written before, when it comes to ‘making a run for the border’. Invariably, every time I order Beef burritos, I end up with Bean burritos. This happens regardless of locale, time or planetary alignments, and has me convinced that there is a picture of me by every drive thru register at every Taco Bell in the Nation, with the words written on it “THOU SHALT NOT RECIVE BEEF BURRITOS – God.”

But I digress.

Once again, I place my order for two BEEF burritoes, and a Grilled stuffed Beef burrito. They repeat the order back to me correctly, and i’m suddenly impressed, they got it right for the first time! Well, I drive up to the window, and pay my money, and the Taco Bell drone asks what type of hot sauce I want, and I tell him, and he hands me the little plastic bag with my dinner. Well, As I recieved the bag, the weight felt correct for three burrito type items, so I smiled and went on my merry way!

Sadly, I realized when I got home, that I had once again been had by Taco Bell. What was really inside the bag, was two burrito shaped objects, and probably half of the store’s supply of ‘fire’ hot sauce. Looking at the objects as they were wrapped, one identified itself as the Grilled stuffed burrito, and the other identified itself as ‘special’. At this point I remove the reciept from the bag and notice that I had paid for the following:

1 BGS-BF
2 BEAN
– BN
+ BF
+ BF

Now, I assume the first item was the grilled stuffed burrito, but finally, I understood the underlying stupidity of why I ALWAYS got BEAN burritos instead of beef. And yes, I Still have this reciept and will show it to any who wish, as proof, that there needs to be some serious bleach and chlorine added to the the gene pool. And if Taco Bell is going to use the tagline, “Learn to think outside the bun!”, they really need to teach their employees to think outside their buns. I.e. Get their heads out of their rears. I consoled myself, that hey, I still got ONE beef burrito, and the Grilled stuffed one, so it could’ve been worse. Right? Yup, you guessed it. The burrito wrapped as ‘Special’?? WAS A DAMMED BEAN FRIGGIN BURRITO! AAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Sunday Me and Carolyn went out to Six Flags, and had a blast. She goes on a ride called, “The Dragon’s Wing” once a year. It’s a Bungee/Freefall type of ride, not your typical coaster. You’re basically suited up in a harness, hooked up, and then winched up. You then pull a ripcord and you freefall 50 feet, and at the full extent you start swinging in this HUGE parabolic arc.

For a description of the ride.

Now, you wouldn’t expect me to leave of with such a bland description of this ride now, did you?

Of course not.

So here goes my retelling of the experience of this totally butt-kicking ride.

We had just gotten off of Thunder River, and were in the process of drying out and waiting for the little Q-bot reservation system to queue us into the line for Mr. Freeze. Now, we had already talked about doing this ride a couple days prior. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but never had the balls to do it before now. So while we’re awaiting our appointed time for Freeze, we head on over and get in line and pay the money for the ride.

Getting prepared for the ride is pretty basic. You take off everything that could possibly fly, fall, break, or lose, excepting your clothes that is, and toss it to someone else you’re with, that’s not crazy enough to try this ride, or, in our case, we tossed it all in a small locker.You’re then put into a special harness and checked and double checked, and then you go out to the line to the ride.

We then get on a platform that lifts you off the ground and they start hooking you up on the cords. Once you’re hooked up, they drop the platform a bit and you go from standing to a prone laying down on your stomach position Now, Mind you, this doesn’t happen slowly. One moment you’re standing, and the next you’re in the laying down position. It’s enough to freak you out if you’re not prepared.

Anyhow, as we’re sitting there in the ready position, while they’re checking the harnesses and stuff one last time, I see a friend of mine working the ride on the other side. So, being myself, I just had to state, out loud, that we were doomed, because Jeffrey was working the ride. Needless to say, I think he was getting some great enjoyment out of the looks on my face as the winch started us up, because he was grinning like a fool and laughing like a madman. To make matters worse, he’s the joker that’s gonna tell us when to pull the ripcord. Thankfully, he’s working, so I know he’s not gonna go …3….2……2… ..3…. .2…4… or something of that nature to mess with my mind.

Now I will state here for the record, that I was having NO problems with the ride so far, and was actually looking forward to this. I mean, hey, it’s a flat out gorgeous day out, and I’m with a great friend who’s company I thoroughly enjoy, and I’m about to do something I’ve been wanting to do for a while now.

Then they start the winch up.

At this point, I swear the following happened within my mind;

Common Sense: “Uh, just what the HELL are we doing? I’m reading that the feet aren’t touching the ground here!”
Adrenaline Junkie side of my Mind: “We’re gonna FREEFALL BABY! YEE! FRIGGIN! HAW! HOT DAMN!”
Curiosity: “Hmm, so this is what it feels like to be weightless.”
Common Sense: “Freefall? Did you just friggin say FREEFALL?”
Adrenaline: HECK YA! WHOOHOO! THEY’RE STARYING THE WINCH!
Common Sense: oh sheesh! Uh..hey, things are starting to get …small…
Curiosity: “Hey, look at how small the people down there are, and look over there, you can see-“
Common Sense: “WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP! WE’RE GONNA FRIGGIN DIE!”
Adrenaline: “WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER YEE-HAAAWWWWW!
Common Sense: shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit mommy!
Adrenaline: BANZAI !!!

At this point, I hear through the mental argument in the deep recesses of mind, the call to pull the ripcord, so like a good lemming, I dutifully pull it!Carolyn starts laughing, because the very first words out of my mouth as I pull the cord and start the freefall, is quite literally, “Oh F*** me!”

My Stomach and the rest of my internal organs are hurriedly trying to find a safe spot inside me somewhere, and it feels like they’re rushing up near the ribcages, hoping that they may afford some protection upon impact with the ground. Either that, or they were trying to evacuate and just leave on their own accord though my mouth and get the hell out like a bunch of parachuters exiting a plane that’s going down. Meanwhile, my Common Sense part of my mind has finally shut up, because it was too busy curled up in a fetal position sucking it’s thumb waiting for the end to come.

Which is good, because I was able to enjoy the ride because he had finally shut up.

The freefall was exhilarating, and then it ended, and gently went into the huge parabolic arc. Now, me and Carolyn aren’t small people. She’s 5’10”, and I’m 6’1”, so we got some good mass going into this arc. I swear we were hitting 90 Degrees plus the first 2-4 arcs, and we were still going at a pretty good clip when the other side of the ride had already stopped (they pulled their cords at the same time I pulled ours.) It was wild and it was great! Sadly, it came to an end, and soon we were on the ground walking away from the ride and getting our things, and heading off to Mr. Freeze.
Common Sense: weregonnadieweregonnadieweregonna…..huh? We’re alive?
Adrenaline: WUSSY! MUHAWHAWHAW!